A Day in the Life of Parker McKenzie
by keeponwritin
Summary: If Parker's life made sense, maybe this fic would, too. Just read it, kiddums.
1. Moonwalking

[Disclaimer: Not only do I not own Lizzie McGuire, I also don't own most of the insanity that goes on in this story. Blame it on Amy (aka love-fool). It was her challenge. I just took it. :D]  
  
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As I walked down the halls of Hillridge High School, everyone started running away. I didn't get it, or something. People looked terrified, and some hid in their lockers.  
  
Like, what?! I screeched in my horribly obnoxious voice.  
  
one of them screamed. EARS...BLEEDING...AUGHHHHH! DIE PARKER DIE!  
  
I wanted to cry. Does everyone totally hate me? I have to do something about this!  
  
I'm on a mission. A mission to apologize to everyone that I've ever hurt in some way.   
  
I glanced over at someone's locker that had been left open. There was a picture of me with my eyes gouged out and duct tape over my mouth. Looking at the picture, I knew I'd have to get to work on my mission as soon as possible.  
  
Looking down the hall, I saw Lizzie and her posse standing there, laughing about something. Um, okay, how come everytime I see them, they are laughing about something? It's kinda freaky.  
  
When I started walking up to them, they all froze. Like how deer freeze when they know a hunter in near and they don't want to get shot.   
  
Don't worry, I won't shoot you, I said, smiling. This caused them to back away in fear, but I ignored it. I turned to Lizzie. Lizzie, can I talk to you?  
  
she turned to her friends, looking for someone to save her, but no one said anything. Sure, Parker. She glared back at them as I dragged her over to a quieter place.  
  
Lizzie, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for calling you a meateat-- Suddenly, Lizzie's hand was over my mouth and for a second, she turned into Amy, also known as love-fool on FanFiction.Net.  
  
WHAT DID I TELL ABOUT SEASON ONE REFERENCES? she growled.  
  
But I have to apologize to Lizzie! I cried.  
  
AHHH, that VOICE! In a flash, Amy transformed back into Lizzie. Innocently, she said, So what were you saying?  
  
I...I....I forget. Lizzie kind of rolled her eyes at me, something people did to me quite often.  
  
Okay, well, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to talking about boys and lip gloss and other extremely superficial things such as that with my best girl friend while my best guy friend listens in and pretends to care. Sooo, um, see ya! And she walked back to Miranda and Gordo, who were waiting patiently.  
  
If you want the total utter truth, I like Gordo. Like, a lot. Well, mostly his hair. Because it's bigger than Ben Stiller's hair circa 1984, if you catch my drift. I mean, Ben Stiller is hotter than Danny Kessler, before he got shipped away to military school for lighting Mr. Pettus' house on fire. I thougth that was really cool. But back to the point...  
  
While I walked home that afternoon after school, I suddenly realized what a burden it was to leave in such a stupid, small neighborhood. I went to school with half the kids from around here. Most were in my grade. And most were freaks that I wouldn't talk to if you paid me a billion dollars. That's just how it went.  
  
Across the street, out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone moonwalking. Oh no. He's coming this way.  
  
Hi, Danny.  
  
I mean, I know I said he was hot, but that was before....  
  
Before he became a Michael Jackson wannabe.  
  
Hi, Parker, he cooed. It was creepy...he even had the voice down. Do you want to see me do my famous crotch-grab? Or should I...moooonwalk?  
  
Danny, everyone knows Tito invented the moonwalk.  
  
NO, HE DIDN'T! Danny started crying, and ran away.  
  
I walked inside my house until to be bombarded by my annoying little demon of a sister, Maddy. She had my diary and she was running up and down the staircase with it.  
  
Ooh, who's Gooordo?  
  
Finally, I grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her.  
  
He's the man who's going to murder you in your sleep if you don't shut your big, ugly mouth.I said, glaring down into her doey little eyes.  
  
I'm not scared of you, Parker, she retorted, crossing her ams and nodding. You're a big freakazoid anyway!  
  
So Maddy continued running around, flailing her arms and screaming, OOH, WHO'S GORDO? at the top of her lungs. Finally, I'd had enough.  
  
Sie sind eine schmutzige, schlechte Dirne! I yelled, screeching. Immediately, she stopped and dropped the diary. Picking it up, I walked up the stairs. Thank you very much.  
  
I walked into my room and walked towards my closet. I started stroking my Ben Stiller poster and crying.  
  
Ben, you're the only one who truly understands me...  
  
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[A/N: I make myself laugh far too much.  
  
Like it? Hate it? Hate me? Want me to die in a firey, bottomless pit?   
  
It can be arranged. As long as you tell me want you want, what you really, really want.   
  
Lemme know what you think-y: please review-y. Thanks-y!]  



	2. Midget Fetish

[Disclaimer: I don't own Lizzie McGuire, or a lot of the very odd things that happen. Those belong to Amy. (When this story is finished, I'll let you know what the requirements for this story were.)  
  
Onto the story!]  
  
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I woke up the next morning with my framed picture of Ben Stiller in my arms.  
  
Oh, Benny. If only you were here with me, we could run off to our tropical island paradise and drink pina coladas and watch your movies...except Mystery Men' because that one was kinda weird....oh, Ben...YOU LOVE ME, I KNOW IT!!  
  
Parker! Parker, wake up! You're having another freaky Ben Stiller-obsessed nightmare! my mom said, waking me up.   
  
It was not a nightmare. As long as Ben's there, it could never be a nightmare. I grinned a psychotic grin. Maddy walked sleepily up to my door.  
  
Is Parker having another one of her stalkerish Ben Stiller nightmares again? she asked, rubbing her eyes.  
  
THEY ARE NOT NIGHTMARES! I screeched, causing everyone in the room to go deaf and run out of the room in excruciating pain.  
  
~~~  
  
My Spanish class that day was so weird.   
  
Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my teacher wasn't there. But really though, people were talking so obnoxiously loud, it made me want to rip out all my hair.  
  
So I did.  
  
But not intentionally! I mean, I really like my hair. It's brown and straight and long...  
  
Ew, who am I kidding? My hair is so boring! Maybe now I can get some cool hair...  
  
Maybe I could get the same hair color as um...that chick from Meet The Parents! Or the same color as Lizzie's, so maybe Gordo would love me. Or Veruca's, because he looks heinous on her...  
  
Parker, what are you doing? Gordo asked of me, referring to the fact that I had clumps of my own hair in my hands.  
  
I responded nonchalantly, placing my hair on my desk. What are you doing? I flirted.  
  
I'm...walking away now. And so he did.  
  
It was so depressing. Why couldn't Gordo ever like me?  
  
Oh yeah. He did.  
  
And then I called him short.  
  
Come on, like you wouldn't call him short. Look at him, he's like a freaking midget or something!!  
  
What self-respecting human being would date a guy so short?  
  
I sooo would.  
  
Ben Stiller is short, too.  
  
I guess I have a midget fetish.  
  
Eww, Miranda's right. I am weird.  
  
Hi, Parker, Claire said, taking a seat next to me, and smiling. I love your nails! Did you get a manicure?  
  
I bit most of them off, I responded.  
  
she said, masking her disappointment. Well, um...I love what you're doing with your hair these days! Did you just get it cut?  
  
I picked up a fistful of my hair from the desk.  
  
No, I tore it out.  
  
Wow! I should um...try that sometime!  
  
Okay, why was Claire here and why was she talking to me? Shouldn't she be off with her cheerleader buddies?  
  
Okay, why are you here and why are you talking to me? Shouldn't you be off with your cheerleader buddies?  
  
Claire leaned over, like she was about to tell me a secret.  
  
You didn't hear it from me, but I heard that one of the head cheerleaders is considering letting you join the squad. She nodded to reassure me of its validity.  
  
Wow, a cheerleader! I've totally always wanted to be a cheerleader! Then maybe Gordo would like me...  
  
Oh wait, Gordo hates cheerleaders. Oh well, screw him!  
  
But then out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eddie Velasco with these big jar of paint in his hands. He twisted it open and walked closer to me. I wonder what dumb Eddie's gonna do with that paint.  
  
The next few seconds were like this big blur.  
  
Eddie pulled back with the jar, then with a thrust, he began to throw the paint towards me.  
  
Gordo yelled, diving in front of the paint like Superman.  
  
Unfortunately, he dove too slow, and all the paint got on me anyway.  
  
The class erupted in laughter, and I ran out of the room in tears, as I heard Claire giggle, Good one, Kate!  
  
I ran and I ran and I ran...until I ran right into a wall.   
  
Then, dizzily, I picked myself up and ran into the boys' bathroom.  
  
Ooh, urinals. Urinals look funny! I giggled like Kate, which scared myself back into reality.  
  
A second later, Gordo came bursting into the boys' bathroom.  
  
How did you find me here? I said, sitting on a urinal and crying.  
  
I smelled the sweet scent of my love.  
  
I said, brightening up a bit.  
  
No. Your footprints are green.  
  
I coughed.   
  
Pause.  
  
Lizzie, I reall--  
  
Parker. I'm Parker.  
  
Right. Parker. Hesitation. Parker, I'm really sorry the paint didn't hit me. This made my eyes bulge.  
  
Why? The paint was supposed to hit me.  
  
Yeah, but usually when you try to save someone, it's always best when you...actually save them. I smiled. Gordo was trying to save me. How romantic! I just feel like a loser.  
  
Don't, Gordo. You're my hero. It's just like in Anastasia', when Dimitri leaves Paris but then Rasputin was waiting for Anastasia in the gardens, but Dimitri came back just in the nick of time. I thought back. Except Dimitri really did save her.  
  
Just then, the PA system clicked on.  
  
Yo students, it's me, Mr. Informer! Now, technically, I ain't supposed to be on this here PA system, so I'll make this quick. Freshmen Kate Sanders is having a pool party on this here Thursday, and then on Friday, Hillridge High School is having a Celebrity Karaoke Night! Come dressed as your favorite celebrity, reading to belt your heart out, boy-ees! Oh, and girls, too. Both of dese is gonna be da bomb diggity! Word! Mr. Informer's voice went monotone. And would Parker McKenzie and David Gordon please get out of the boys' bathroom and return to their unsupervised Spanish class, thank you.  
  
As Gordo and I walked out of the boys' bathroom and back to room 224, we chatted a little.  
  
Hey, Miranda and I are going over Lizzie's house tomorrow. You um, maybe wanna come? Gordo asked.  
  
I said, trying to pretend like I wasn't totally freaked out that Gordo wanted to spend time with me outside of school and potentially hang out' on a regular basis. I'm not freaking out, what are you talking about?  
  
he said as we walked back into the Spanish room together. Well, um, see you there, then.  
  
Is it possible? At all?  
  
Could David Gordon...like me?  
  
...Again?  
  
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[A/N: Word up! Hahaha this story is getting more normal. Oh nooo, must return to the weirdness factor!  
  
Don't worry, it's gonna go waaaay up in the next chapter. And the last chapter...oh man.  
  
Wheee, lemme know what you think of my bizarre story: please review. THANKS!]


	3. Kumquats and Streaking

[Disclaimer: I don't own Lizzie McGuire, or a lot of the very odd things that happen. Those belong to Amy. (When this story is finished, I'll let you know what the requirements for this story were.)  
  
Onto the story!]  
  
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As I walked down the stairs of my house on that Tuesday afternoon, my sister Maddy was still running around with her arms in the air like some constipated chimpanzee. So I did what any loving older sister would do.  
  
I duct-taped her mouth shut. Gosh, duct tape is so revolutionary. You can tape windows and doors closed so terrorists don't poison us all. You can duct tape your broken glasses together, and duct tape boxes so much that you can't open them. And you can duct tape people to walls and um...  
  
Nevermind!!  
  
Ugh, she's still doing it. Excuse me while I add another layer.  
  
There. Now you can barely make out the OOH, WHO'S GORDO?'s she keeps screaming. I am such a genius. I seriou--  
  
my mother yelled. What have you done to your sister? Stomping over to where my mother was trying to peel the tape off Maddy's mouth.   
  
She was being an annoying little b--   
  
PARKER! Just for using that word, I'm sending you to the store to buy kumquats! my mother screamed in my face. Then, she turned back to Maddy, still trying to get the tape off.  
  
Mother! I wasn't even going to say that word! I was going to say she's a little b---  
  
PARKER! STORE! NOW!  
  
I don't even have any money, I said, whining and pouting as best I could.  
  
So steal them, I don't care, her mother said, preoccupied with the tape. Just go! NOW!  
  
I trudged out the door, with 2 bucks in my pocket with which I was going to buy myself a nerd to go to the karaoke thing with, but instead, now it was going to buying kumquats. Great. Walking down my driveway, I heard a deafening, high-pitch squeal.  
  
Sounds like she got the tape off.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
The closest grocery store was 20 miles away. I walked all the way there, crawling on my hands and knees with 2 dollars and a gum wrapper in my pocket. I wasn't sure I would make it, but then I did. I slithered on the floor until I could prop myself up on my feet and lean against the carrots, letting the produce sprinkler thingies spray on me to cool down. I was just about to drift off into a nice pleasant fantasy about Ben Stiller and onions when I heard a voice talking to me. I thought for a second it was Ben and without opening my eyes, was moving towards the voice with my lips ready to smoochy smoochy. Then I opened my eyes and screamed. I was just about to kiss Larry Tudgeman!  
  
Ew! Larry! Stop interrupting my Ben Stiller fanta--I mean, my dream. Larry just rolled his eyes around in confusion. I'm here on an errand. I was just about to leave when he started to talk to me. Which was so weird, considering I don't think we've talked since...hmm...ever.  
  
Mm. Produce shopping? I feel your pain, Obi-Wan. I'm here on a top secret mission, he whispered.  
  
I said excitedly. What is it?  
  
I've been sent...to buy kumquats, he whispered again. Returning to his normal voice, he remembered something. I wasn't supposed to tell you that, was I.  
  
  
  
He walked over to the kumquat table and started touching several of them. So what are you here for, my fair maiden?  
  
Ummm, kumquats, I think. Sometime between getting run over by that 5 year old on a bicycle and hitting my head on a fire hydrant, I might've forgotten, I said absentmindedly.  
  
Larry began, picking up two kumquats and holding them near his chest. You should make sure your kumquats are soft. Not too firm, but not too soft. He squeezed the two kumquats and looked down at them. A woman watching nearby covered her kids' eyes and stomped away in a huff. I looked at Larry, holding the kumquats like that. Um, maybe it wasn't the best possible position... I don't get it either, he whispered. Always someone offended by the kumquats. Like kumquats ever did anything to them--  
  
I looked to my right to see none other than Danny Kessler himself, wearing absolutely nothing. Wait--WHAT?! OH MY GOD MY EYES!!!! OH MY GOD DANNY KESSLER IS RUNNING AROUND ACME BUTT NAKED!!  
  
I screeched, and he held his ears, wincing in pain, as did many people around me. Stomping over to him, and turning red with anger (though I'm not sure why), I tried my best not to look down or I might see something up close that could scar me for life. Danny Kessler, please explain to me WHY in the name of all that is good you are streaking across the grocery store!! You know what he did? He shrugged. All that, and he SHRUGGED! So I did what any self-respecting human would do.  
  
I kicked him in the groin.  
  
Maybe a bit harsh, considering the lack of clothes AND the fact that I was wearing spikes, but um, I guess he deserved it.  
  
Okay, he didn't. But it was fun anyway.   
  
I left him writhing in pain on the floor and returned to Larry.  
  
So, Larry, I said, ignoring the many people (including the guy I was talking to) still staring at a naked Danny, holding his crotch and begging for mercy. Long time, no talk!  
  
Uh, Parker, he said, his eyes still transfixed on Danny, We've never talked before in my life.  
  
I said, desperately searching for something I could say that wouldn't totally awkward at this point but there really wasn't much except maybe saying nothing and leaving which would've been rude and then he really would've never talked to me but I thought he was kinda cool even though a little dorky maybe we could be really good friends but I don't know cause I've never talked to him and there's nothing unawkward I could say at this point so I feel like blurting something out---I have a really big crush on Gordo!!!  
  
Larry stared blankly at me for a second before busting out a really big grin.  
  
he asked in a giddy, high-pitched, frightening voice. I have a really big crush on Lizzie!  
  
I screeched, and he held his ears. Um, sorry. I should probably get these kumquats home before they...rot, or something.   
  
Parker, kumquats don't go bad for at least a week--  
  
Uh, gotta go!  
  
I sped out the door. Today was a much better day than I thought it would be. I'd just found out Larry has a crush on Lizzie, even though it took me telling him I'm in love with Gordo to do iot.  
  
Oh, and kicking Danny in the groin was very liberating.  
  
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[A/N: I'm on drugs. Let's face it.   
  
Lemme know what you think: please review. THANKS, buddy!]


	4. Being A Freak 101

Kate's party is tomorrow!, I thought happily as I doodled in my notebook. Gordo, I wrote first. Then David Gordon. Then Parker Gordon. Then Parker McKenzie-Gordon. Then David McKenzie.   
  
I crossed that last one out.   
  
I was blissfully ignoring the stupid math teacher, who was going on and ON about geometric sequences or some stupid thing I've never heard of, when suddenly, the classroom door opens quickly. And in walks this guy. I don't recognize him, especially with these weird sunglasses on and his hair all slicked back. But then, as soon as the moonwalking begins, I know who it is.  
  
YO, teach! he yells at the old gray-haired woman standing in the front, causing her to have a heart attack and fall unconscious for a set amount of time, conveniently enough for the kids in the class to have a little chat. I didn't do it! It wasn't me! They photographed me naked! Danny broke down and sobbed on his knees. The class, as usual, ignored him.  
  
Hey, guys, who saw the latest episode of Degrassi? Miranda randomly yelled out to the class. Um, hello, talk about weird.  
  
I did, of course, Veruca said, all pompously-like. I just wouldn't be a true fan if I didn't watch every single episode ever time it's shown. Miranda gave her a weird look.  
  
Why, I also saw the latest installment of that silly little television show, Miss Sanchez, some stuffy girl with an English accent added. Why do you ask?  
  
Obviously because Spinner is like, the hottest guy on the planet, Miranda gushed. Stuffy girl laughed in her stuffy way.  
  
But of course he is, silly girl, if by hot, you mean, lacking quotidian manners and completely socially inept. Why, the way he passes gas...  
  
Hello, that's part of his charm, Miranda said, defending her favorite Degrassi character.   
  
Right, and being completely oafish and obnoxious is such a way to win over the ladies, Stuffy girl countered.  
  
Well, I like him! So um... Miranda struggled for a comeback. Your mom! Stuffy girl laughed once more.  
  
Your superior intelligence continues to ast...   
  
What's Degrassi? I asked. Suddenly, all conversations in the room ceased. All heads turned to me.   
  
Well, figures you wouldn't know about such a great show, Miranda said, rolling her eyes. I guess you're too busy watching old tapes of The Ben Stiller Show repeatedly. How many episodes of that were there? 2?  
  
There were 13! Parker cried in defense, then realized her mistake. I mean, I've never seen that show. Stop it! I'm not obsessed! I'm not...  
  
Suddenly the old woman teacher lady got up and began teaching immediately, leaving me to cry all over my doodlings. Then I realized that everyone already knows I'm a Ben Stiller-obsessed freak, and got over it.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
I couldn't believe I was going to Lizzie's house! I haven't been here since her 6th birthday party. I wonder how much it's changed. I wonder if her brother is still all quiet and stuff. I wonder her mom still makes that crappy food. I wonder her dad still runs around yelling about lawn gnomes or something.   
  
I ring the doorbell, and promptly I'm greeted with the familiar face of Jo McGuire, Lizzie's mom. She actually looks frighteningly happy and young as she greets me. Especially compared to my own mother, the seahag.  
  
Why, hello, Parker! she said, overly enthusiastically. Lizzie's not quite ready, but she'll be downstairs in a moment. Would you like something to drink? We have water, milk, orange juice, apple juice, mango juice, pineapple juice, guava juice...  
  
Um, that's okay, I say, a little freaked out. Um, I'll just have some water. F-from the filter. I couldn't bear to drink the tap water. Who knew what was in the water at the McGuire residence? She quickly poured me filtered water...in a champagne glass. Then poured herself some champagne. Weren't Gordo and Miranda supposed to be around here, too...?  
  
So, Parker, she began, looking like she wanted to start an intimate conversation. I hoped Lizzie would be here soon. Have you ever seen the movie Meet the Parents'?  
  
OH MY GOD! I shrieked, and she held her ears. She knew me SO well. I mean, yes, I have, I said, a bit calmer.  
  
Fine movie, right? she said, laughing cheerfully. Robert DeNiro was so wonderful. But that Ben Stiller character, I don't know so much about...  
  
Are you saying Ben Stiller is... I stepped back, ready to faint if she confirmed this. A bad...actor?  
  
Of course not! she said, laughing nervously. Of course not. Ben Stiller is a great actor! She looked relieved when she looked up to see my not-so-peeved face. I just thought the cat gags could've been better, you know what I mean?  
  
I said, thisclose to betraying my one and only Benny boy. No! He did those jokes with his pride and dignity in tact! How dare you insult my lover! I was also thisclose to smacking Mrs. McGuire. Luckily, Lizzie trotted down the steps happily in this cutesy little yellow polka dotted dress.   
  
Lizzie, you didn't have to get dressed up for me, I said, smiling over at her.  
  
I didn't, she said monotonously.  
  
  
  
Umm, I forgot you were coming, actually.  
  
  
  
But I just have one thing to tell you, she said, and I got all excited. People were telling me all their secrets these days. How cool-like. I never knew I was so popular. Um, mom, do you mind?  
  
'Course not, Mrs. McGuire smiled, and looked happy to be leaving as she trotted back up the steps. When she was out of earshot, Lizzie started.  
  
I'm actually going out on a date right now, she whispered.  
  
With who? I asked, super-curiously.  
  
No one, she giggled. I lied.  
  
  
  
Um, that was weird.  
  
But really, I have a huge crush on Larry Tudgeman and I thought maybe you could understand, she said, rather nonchalantly. Make sure Miranda and Gordo don't find out.  
  
Um, okay.  
  
Well, I gotta go, Lizzie beamed brightly. See ya later, Parker! she said, bouncing out the front door.  
  
Lizzie certainly seemed happy today. It wasn't even that bright out. I mean, the forecast said it would be 80 but it was really only in the 70s range, and the clou---DID LIZZIZE JUST SAY SHE LIKES TUDGEMAN?!  
  
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[A/N: I amuse me. All for you, Amy! I'm kool.]


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